Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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