you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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