we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
