dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
babies were throwing up all over the place
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
