I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize