I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
