You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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