Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
