First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
