I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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