I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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