She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize