I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
