I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
