God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
