Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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