I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
