I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
