Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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