I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
