I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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