Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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