Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
