there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
