i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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