My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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