I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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