Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
this boner is exhausting
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
