Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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