I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
