is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
