he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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