My friends, they love my intelligence
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
