I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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