AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
