I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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