The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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