Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
