the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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