Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
