I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
