It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
