SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
