we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
