ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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