there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
