Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
