oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
