They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
