I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
