It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
