but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
