So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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