Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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