she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
