My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i think i just lost a toe
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
