when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize