Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Will exercising make me less horny?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
