Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
