her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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