i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
