I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
