Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
