I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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