I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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